I don't know how to deal with loss. I don't know how to grieve. I have never seen what a healthy grieving process looks like. Growing up, the models in my life would deal with loss and disappointment in destructive ways....and therefore so have I. Others have kept their grief private...so how do I learn from that? Is that what I should do? I mean, that is, after all, why we didn't announce the pregnancy right away, because we didn't want the humiliation of public loss in the event that exactly this would happen.
So why am I writing about it now?
As much emotional and physical pain that I have and am currently enduring, I have decided to try a different approach to this incredibly painful loss which includes writing about it, because this is my process.
As soon as I could leave my sleep study, I went straight to my doctors praying the whole time that I was just being overly concerned and that everything would be fine.
After finding no heartbeat on the ultra sound at the doctor's office I just sat there with that ever increasing throat choking sensation, my body's reaction to the news was instantaneous but I wouldn't let myself cry. I just sat there stony faced while my options were being laid out. I struggled to hear what the doctor was saying while the hopes and dreams I had cultivated over the last three months died with my increasing awareness that this was really happening. As soon as I left the building and felt safe, the flood gates opened and I cried all the way home and then the rest of the day.
I'm not good at crying, especially in front of others and here I was crying uncontrollably in front of my daughter and husband. My sweet Miss P, who has never once in her life seen me cry, came over and climbed in my lap, she looked at me and put her hand on my face and said, "water". I said, "Yes, Mommy is sad, mommy is crying." She whimpered a little and then did the most extraordinary thing, she lifted my shirt and kissed my belly. How did she know to do this? She is only two! I decided right then and there that I would try my best to model a healthy way to grieve. So we've decided that it's OK to cry and it's OK to accept comfort from others (both of which I am still learning how to do). And it's OK to talk about it. I wish others in my life would talk about their losses and how they dealt with them. I could learn something. What a wonderful blessing my husband and daughter are to me. This is their loss too. It's sad days for my family right now, but I have made a conscience decision to firmly hold on to the hope that this little baby brought to our family. Thank you little one for restoring health to me, if only for a short time. Thank you for showing us a different future. What a precious gift you were while you were here. We love you and miss you!