Friday, March 29, 2013

Sad news

This is about the time we were going to share our good news. It was going to go something like this: I would post of picture of Piccadilly wearing a T-shirt saying, "I am going to be a big sister." Then I would've said, "Yes everyone, I am pregnant and healthy! So please share in the joy of our unexpected miracle coming in October." I also would have added, "This pregnancy is going great, I've only thrown up a few times and I feel more energetic and hopeful than ever." I'd have talked about how we were re-arranging our lives and our finances to plan for this new future and how we even test drove a new vehicle. Big changes were on the horizon and I loved looking into the future and seeing my children as young adults with the possibility of having several grandchildren, and how happy and love-filled all the holidays were going to be from now until forever. I wondered how Miss P's life would be different with a sibling. We just knew in our heart of hearts she would make the best big sister ever. We often asked her, "How would you like to have a baby brother?", and she would always reply with gusto, "I want a baby sister!". We had been sitting on the news for almost three months and then right in the middle of my sleep study this week, I started to miscarry.

I don't know how to deal with loss. I don't know how to grieve. I have never seen what a healthy grieving process looks like. Growing up, the models in my life would deal with loss and disappointment in destructive ways....and therefore so have I. Others have kept their grief private...so how do I learn from that? Is that what I should do? I mean, that is, after all, why we didn't announce the pregnancy right away, because we didn't want the humiliation of public loss in the event that exactly this would happen.
So why am I writing about it now?
As much emotional and physical pain that I have and am currently enduring, I have decided to try a different approach to this incredibly painful loss which includes writing about it, because this is my process.

As soon as I could leave my sleep study, I went straight to my doctors praying the whole time that I was just being overly concerned and that everything would be fine.
But no.
After finding no heartbeat on the ultra sound at the doctor's office I just sat there with that ever increasing throat choking sensation, my body's reaction to the news was instantaneous but I wouldn't let myself cry. I just sat there stony faced while my options were being laid out. I struggled to hear what the doctor was saying while the hopes and dreams I had cultivated over the last three months died with my increasing awareness that this was really happening. As soon as I left the building and felt safe, the flood gates opened and I cried all the way home and then the rest of the day.

I'm not good at crying, especially in front of others and here I was crying uncontrollably in front of my daughter and husband. My sweet Miss P, who has never once in her life seen me cry, came over and climbed in my lap, she looked at me and put her hand on my face and said, "water". I said, "Yes, Mommy is sad, mommy is crying." She whimpered a little and then did the most extraordinary thing, she lifted my shirt and kissed my belly. How did she know to do this? She is only two! I decided right then and there that I would try my best to model a healthy way to grieve. So we've decided that it's OK to cry and it's OK to accept comfort from others (both of which I am still learning how to do). And it's OK to talk about it. I wish others in my life would talk about their losses and how they dealt with them. I could learn something. What a wonderful blessing my husband and daughter are to me. This is their loss too. It's sad days for my family right now, but I have made a conscience decision to firmly hold on to the hope that this little baby brought to our family. Thank you little one for restoring health to me, if only for a short time. Thank you for showing us a different future. What a precious gift you were while you were here. We love you and miss you!
10 weeks, 6 days

28 comments:

Kersti said...

Noone can take this pain away, am thinking of you and sending virtual hugs in the hope that it helps a little.

madtatter7 aka Linda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you all in prayer and sending hugs and Shalom (complete peace).

Susie said...

Nothing ever quite makes losing a little person better (I've had two miscarriages), but it helps to think that I've got two more children in heaven than I got to have on earth. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Julie Romero said...

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss...you are in my thoughts and prayers. I was thinking about a line I remember from somewhere...God gives us children to hold but a little while...seems that we always hope for the longest while possible, but I have learned that even the shortest while is a gift to be treasured.

** jess! ** said...

Oh, Sherry, I am so sorry! Hugs from Livi and I!

Marilee Rockley said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope you'll find comfort in your faith, that your little one who returned to God so soon is safely in God's care. There may be another chance for a sibling for Miss P. But, if it doesn't happen, being an only child is okay too, I'm an only child myself.

Jane Eborall said...

To think I even met this little baby too. I'm soooo, soooooo sorry. Come back here and I'll give you a hug.

tatterjil said...

So sorry for your loss. I will pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. You are so brave in working to break the cycle of destructive grieving.

Ladytats said...

So sorry Sherry, there is nothing I can say or do to take away your pain. I will be praying for you and the rest of your family in this time.
It sounds like you have come up with a good way to grieve. Bringing it out in the open allowing your tears to run instead of bottling it up will help in the end. And being willing to accept comfort will also help.
May you find peace in the day to day love of your family and friends.

Sally Kerson said...

Our hearts go out to you Sherry, in fact all of us in the WWTC (world wide tatting community) can feel your pain at the present time.

Imoshen said...

Hugs Sherry.When my husband and I went through this I, who almost never gave in to emotional outbursts, broke down crying in the shower. We took comfort in in each other,holding each other until we were both exhausted.Afterwards I still felt so much guilt but my Honey's hand in mine gave me the strength to pull myself out of my depression.Miraculously two months later we were pregnant again and our son,Maligo is now 5 years old. A nurse told me to look at the loss in another way..The one we lost was making it safer for the one we would eventually have and it was siblings protecting each other.I held that thought to my heart since we do have our son now, plus an extra daughter we hadn't planned on. ^-^

Lace-lovin' Librarian ~ Diane said...

I'm so sorry to read this, Sherry. My prayers are with you and your family.

I believe that sharing your grief with others helps to ease the pain. I hope you can feel all the love and support from all of your friends in Tatland.

tattabugg said...

My heart aches for you and your family. Praying for you!

Tatfully Yours said...

Oh sweetie.....I`m so sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you and your family.
BIG HUG
Kelly

Cindy said...

Oh, Sherry, my heart aches for your family. Stay open about your feelings as you all grieve together. You will make it through this. May all our thoughts and prayers ease your way.

Deidre said...

Sherry, Sooo sorry to hear about your loss. We will definitely be praying for you and your family. I know it's hard. Let yourself grieve. It's ok to be mad at God. Scream at Him if you have to. Sounds like you're trying to deal with things in a healthy manner. Talking about it really does help. Know that we love you and we're here if you need anything or just want to talk or cry. Your baby is at peace and in the arms of Jesus. You will see them again.

Jane S. said...

Oh Sherry...I'm so very sorry. :*(

What treasures Miss P and your husband are. Bless you all.

Hugs,
Jane S.

Eliz Davis aka Tatknot said...

Sherry, I'm so sorry. I cry with you for your loss and for this little one whom you loved and wanted so desperately. May God comfort and bless all of you as only He can.

Jane McLellan said...

So sorry Sherry. Love to you and your family.

Margarets designer cards said...

Oh Sherry I am so sorry and I feel your pain, I am sending you a big hug, you are in my thoughts.
Take care
Margaret

Cindy said...

I'm very sorry you are going through this loss. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry, but I do know what you mean about grieving and the various processes we learn from those around us. I have a need to get it out, but I don't come from a family that does. I think writing is a great start - and talk, talk, talk about it. It happened. I hope you find comfort in your new approach, and in knowing that so many that have read your post are sending hugs to you.
Miss P is such a smart little girl :)

Anonymous said...

Sherry, I'm so sorry. This experience is all too common. I miscarried at nine weeks with my second child. I was told by my doctor to see it as a natural part of having babies - sometimes, things aren't right and the baby aborts naturally. For some strange reason, seeing this as a natural process really helped me understand and accept the loss, although I still grieved (of course). Much love to you and your family, and I feel sure that you will be blessed again. Be really kind to yourself in this difficult period. Much love, Lesley S

umintsuru said...

Dear Sherry, I hope by writing this helped with your grief and loss. It is a sad time for you and your family but remember you have each other.

snowy david said...

I am so sorry, Sherry, and although I haven't had this experience, I have helped/tried to help women through it,as a nurse. It was a short life...but as a potter you know that sometimes you make things that aren't perfect, that might not make it through the firing or glazing process. I think that lost babies are like that, they may look perfect to us, but somehow they won't make it through the following stages...
I wish you didn't have to go through this, however it is perhaps a little easier than discovering the imperfections later and being asked to decide by a doctor...
I do hope that the sleep study was useful...and that you feel better very soon. I send all my love to you, and to Miss P and Andy, that they can continue to support you through this awful time, XXX

Suztats said...

Oh Sherry, I am so sorry this has happened. My condolences to you and your family. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Martha said...

This is so sad. I am sorry to hear this and will be thinking of you and your family.

Usha Murugesu said...

Just know that your precious little one is with GOD. Please stay strong for yourself and your husband...before long your lovely Piccadilly will indeed become the proud sister of another baby. Please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to bring that smile upon your lovely face..take your time to recover from this loss. I will keep you in my daily prayers.

Hugggsss from
Usha
usharaneem@yahoo.com

Randi said...

Dear Sherry, I am so sorry to learn of your loss. May God's loving presence be especially real to you and your family at this time.

A friend of mine wrote the following poem after she miscarried her third baby, her only daughter:


FOR THE CHILD I NEVER HELD

Although I never had the chance
to hold you,
Or you to feel the warmth within
your mama's arms,
Still I know that you have
found sweet rest
In the arms of the One
who loves you best...
Cradled gently in
your Heavenly Father's love.

I could not want more for you
than you've already found
At home with the Father where
His riches abound,
And what could be sweeter
than an angel's lullaby...
'Til that day when I'm with you,
bye and bye.

D. Delozier