I want to thank everyone for the comments and emails I have received. So many of you know exactly what I am talking about. I knew I couldn't be alone, maybe we tatters have even more in common than the love of knots.
I don't know why things like this are so hard to talk about. Maybe because mental illness is still not fully accepted by society, however, I know it is getting better all the time and that gives me a shred of hope. But I can't tell you how many times I've been in the company of someone talking negatively about a bipolar person they know. Of course they didn't know that I suffered from it also but I certainly wasn't going to trust them with any personal information after that.
I really envy people who wake up every day unencumbered by pain, hopelessness and/or despair. That is what I imagine "normal" to be. Now, I know everyone experiences all these things at some point in their lives, but I experience them every single day of my life to varying degrees, and sadly the bad days far outnumber the good ones. It is a constant battle to stay functional, even for the sake of my loved ones. I fight every day to be the very best mom and wife that I can be. It is exhausting and I often feel like I am behind the "power curve".
I have tried everything to "cure" myself. I've taken every supplement, exercised like a maniac, immersed myself in spiritual meditation and worship. I have volunteered my time, money and services to help those less fortunate than I. I eat well, I have never abused any substances, I don't even drink coffee or sodas. I've gone to therapy and faithfully taken prescription medications. I remind myself everyday of my blessings and have genuine gratitude in my heart. I try to get enough sleep. I honestly don't know what else I can do.
After all of these things, if this is the best I will ever be then I have to accept that but I am sad for myself.
I know for a fact that if I succumbed to substance abuse or other self medicating behaviors I would end up dead in a very short time.
The depression and pain that I constantly suffer from is holding me back from great things. On the rare days that I feel anything close to "normal" I accomplish SOOOO much. I really feel like I can take on the world, but as I said, those days are rare.
I guess I have finally gotten past denial about my condition and have (not so graciously) accepted that this will be a life long struggle for me. I will, however, keep searching for the thing that might give me some consistent and notable relief. I have even considered electric shock therapy.
This sharing of my thoughts and making myself vulnerable is my newest attempt and hopefully it won't blow up in my face. So far it has been positive.
My next installation will be surmises on cause and effect. That should prove to be pretty interesting.