I recently had the opportunity to speak with a local artist who has had an admirable and successful career here in Idaho. We discussed at length what exactly makes an artist an artist? Are we born or are we made? It is a fascinating question to be sure.
This gentleman had a turbulent childhood in which his father abandoned him with an abusive mother. He grew up feeling completely unloved. The only time he feels truly free and happy is when he is creating. Even though he is now a grandfather, he still struggles with his inner pain.
It truly is the ol' chicken and egg question.
So, will I ever be free from my inner turmoil? Do I cause my own turmoil because I am too sensitive? Was I born this way or did life circumstances make me who I am today?
All I know, is that I certainly DO have an insatiable need to create beautiful things to ease my pain and bring me some semblance of peace.
Well, whatever the case, I am who I am, and for the first time in my life I am starting to accept myself, as is, warts and all.
After all this introspection I am ready to close the chapter on my past. As I write these words I am envisioning a vault whose contents are the painful memories of my childhood, previous disappointments, hardships, despair and hopelessness. I am closing the door and walking away. Far away. I hope to never revisit that vault again.
I cannot forget what is in that vault because those things are part of who I am ...but they are not ALL that I am and I will dwell there no longer. Can I get an Amen?
In my daughter I have been given the greatest, most unimaginably precious gift of my life...a clean slate. Through her, I get a second chance at childhood and I am so excited about that. She came into my life at just the right time and she is pure hope and joy!
So I am going forward from this point in my life fully aware of my limitations but now I will just view them in a different light.
I am calling a truce with my mental illness, until there is a cure for bipolar/depression, I will have to roll with the ups and downs as gracefully as I can. For the sake of myself and my loved ones I can no longer endure the battles of the past. Hopefully, those who care about me and want to be a part of my life will also extend grace to me when I am in those dark places, as those times will inevitably come.
The past several years have been so difficult in so many ways and as every New Year dons my wish has been that the next one will be better. This has not proven so. I now realize that I need to stop wishing for things to get better, and start MAKING things get better!
...and that is what this deeply personal blogging has been all about.
Thank you for being a part of my process and putting up with my rantings.
I wish all my readers a very happy holiday season. And Let us MAKE 2012 a better year!